Reconnecting with My Senses as a Man

Sometimes it takes a big-ass concert to reconnect with a part of you that was lost, even if that lost part is your “birthday suit”.

—

In an earlier article, I shared how my emotions were essentially reawakened through a panic attack. But that is only part of the bigger story. That night in the empty parking lot has been an undeniable milestone in my journey and emotional health, but alone, it was not enough.

Another element of my being had remained numb and neglected. A different part of me equally needed to be awakened from its long slumber. My body, or more precisely, my physical senses or awareness was still disconnected.

I have come to learn in my personal growth that when it comes to emotions and sexuality you cannot ignore the physical manifestations of your being. People — myself included — have always assumed that the human being is a compartmentalized creature (e.g. emotions “lie in the heart”, sexuality “lies in the genitals”, and so on). And while that is certainly true in some regards, it is not completely true either.

Just as our circulatory, nervous, and hormonal systems are spread throughout our bodies, interlacing with each other, and by no means segregated to a single region of the body, so too are our emotions and sexuality entwined with virtually every cell of our bodies. Thus, to more fully understand and experience my emotions and sexuality, I had to also recognize their bodily expressions within me — no easy task for me to do! But before I could even identify those subtle yet particular manifestations, I first had to reconnect with my body as a whole.

Over the past year, I have come to slowly reconnect with my body primarily through two avenues: the first once again involves Katy Perry and the second involves learning to dance — the latter of which I will write in more detail in a later post.

♦◊♦

During her “Prismatic World Tour”, Katy Perry had her last concert in the US right here in Houston, TX on October 11, 2014. Considering the enormous impact her music had made in my emotional healing, there was no way I was going to miss this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity! I bought my ticket and got a seat literally a few feet from the stage. I was dying with anticipation, excitement, and anxiety as the concert date drew near. When that Saturday finally arrived, I was as ready as I would ever be.

However, being my first music concert to attend, I had absolutely no idea what to expect. I could only hope to not be overwhelmed by it and simply enjoy the experience. Katy’s concert would end up doing far more than that for me!

If you are at all familiar with her work, then you know just how over-the-top Katy’s live performances can be. The “Prismatic” concert was literally a feast for the senses (excluding taste, unless you believe it’s possible to “taste” dancing rainbows and exuberant joy). For two and a half hours, my entire body was being constantly stimulated by blaring pop music, laser light shows, kaleidoscopic graphics on a giant LED screen, various animatronics, dancers in outlandish costumes, hovering floats and sunflowers, pyrotechnics and smokescreens, a frequently transforming stage, and the beautiful and talented Katy Perry herself.

At first, it was truly overwhelming for my senses to process all at once. I was not sure if I could physically endure the immense sensory bombardments. But I persevered, and in time, I was able to get out of my head and simply be present physically and emotionally, letting these amazing performances choreographed to Katy’s music affect me on a cellular and passionate level. Next thing I know, I’m doing more than just watching; I started smiling from ear to ear, fist pumping, jumping, and even singing along as my body begged me to let loose and join in all this “Prismatic” fun.

When the concert ended, it did so rather abruptly — much to my shock. A part of me wished it would never end, that I could enjoy this moment of physical and emotional joy even longer. But as they say, “all good things must come to an end,” including Katy’s concert. In a “Prismatic daze”, I stumbled my way through the exiting crowd to my car and drove away.

♦◊♦

It was after midnight by the time I got back home. Barely an hour since the concert ended, and I still could not believe it was over, let alone that I actually experienced all of it! So I sat down in my recliner, closed my eyes, and practiced a mindfulness technique in which I cycled through my physical senses and “check-in” on them. I can still remember the vivid sensations I was able to feel during that moment of meditation:

I could feel the energetic strain in my eyes from the concert’s dazzling lights, the release of stress in my feet from standing for hours, the ringing in my ears from the heart-pumping beats, the electrifying goosebumps that was still reverberating across my skin, the coarseness in my throat from singing my heart out with Katy and the crowd, the fatigue of my muscles for moving with the music for so long, the smell of the pyrotechnic finale lingering in my sinuses, and the deep warming glow of an immense joy radiating from my chest to the rest of my body.

“So you had a good time at the concert, what’s the big deal?” I’ve asked myself this question a number of times. Despite being my first concert ever, why was this such a big deal for me? Now that it has been a full year since then, I believe I can better answer this question.

♦◊♦

If you read any of my previous articles, then you probably got a glimpse of the religious messages I received growing up about my emotions and sexuality. So it was not a stretch for my physical body to also get lumped in with them. Hence, if I could not trust my emotions and my sexuality was inherently sinful, then how the hell could I trust or enjoy my body as well?!

Consequently, I became disconnected from my body as I neglected it through unhealthy eating and lack of exercise, while also stuffing my emotions and demonizing my sexuality. This disconnect became so bad that people could sense something was “off” about me. Beyond simple awkwardness, it was as if my physical presence gave off a more robotic vibe than a natural or human one. Essentially, because of this disconnect, my physical presence never equated with my actual presence, thus never seeming natural to others.

So as I mentioned at the beginning, I began the healing work with my emotions and sexuality, but had yet to address my bodily disconnect. This is where Katy’s “Prismatic” concert comes into play. Imagine my physical disconnect as a massive dam that has been built over the years with layers upon layers of meticulous conditioning, effectively blocking my body’s natural energy and flow. In this scenario, the concert acted like a wrecking ball that smashed away at this colossal dam of my own making. It did not completely destroy the dam, but the concert did create enough of an opening for my body to be more naturally expressive — to simply be without judgement or hesitation.

To taste this connection with my body and liberation from my self-made prison was simply blissful; so much so that this euphoria lingered within me for the next three days! Of course, this only whetted my appetite to have more experiences like it despite my continuing fears and doubts.

So yes, that concert is a big deal for me because it was the catalyst that helped me reconnect with my physical body. In short, a healing process that continues within me today was jump-started by that “Prismatic” concert a year ago. That reconnecting process continued in the form of dance, which I will discuss in my next article.

Photo Credit:  chasealias (ds pollack)/flickr

The post Reconnecting with My Senses as a Man appeared first on The Good Men Project.